Processing A Break Up
If you’re in any way like me after a break up, life seems unpredictable — at least for a little while. I don’t know what my mood is going to be like.
Will I be able to concentrate enough to be present at work, or am I going to suddenly break down crying? Maybe I’ll want to spend time around friends, or hole up and watch sappy movies all alone. It’s understandable; a break up means transition, and transition often entails grief.
Whether it feels like you're wading through heart break or massive uncertainty now that things are different, there is a way through it that doesn't have to be so painful or overwhelming. Grieving is all about how you adjust to the change. It’s a process, and it requires patience. It’s healthiest when you’re in touch with your feelings; not repressing, resenting, or fearing them.
Different feelings are sure to pop up after your relationship ends, even if it doesn’t happen right away. To one degree or another, there will be feelings about the loss of that person in your life, the needs they met for you, and the future you may have envisioned for yourself with them. Be kind to yourself. Right now it may not feel like it, but you are a spectacularly resilient being. You are becoming a stronger, wiser, person who is going to be able to welcome other people and all kinds of great things into your life.
If you are getting over your feelings for someone or are still going through a break up, the following questions will help you sort through your thoughts, feelings, and needs. This will help you get clarity, learn some valuable lessons,
and point you to your desires for the future. Your mind and heart will be able to more quickly and easily process this change you’re having to adjust to in your life.
When you take the time to write things out and ask valuable and effective questions, it saves your mind from having to ask questions over and over again in your head.
Scientific studies show us that writing things out helps our minds to feel like we’ve actually taken more serious action than if we’d just simply thought about something. It’s important to help us get the insights we need to move on and break thought loops - patterns of questions, memories, and images that seem can play on repeat if left to themselves to wander in our minds.
Physically hand writing your responses will make a huge difference to the benefit you’ll get from answering the questions below. You may even want to keep adding to your answers as you experience new and different feelings. That’s okay — have at it! Take as much time as you need to go through them. The more serious thought you give them, the less you’ll need to continue going through them in your head.
If you’re ready to kiss crappy thought loops and funky feelings goodbye, by all means proceed and, henceforth, prosper!
Journal That Ex Right Out Of Your Hair
Every person has basic needs for:
Considering this, explore what needs this relationship met for you.
✦ Which of the needs listed above do I value the most?
✦ Which of the needs listed above did my ex value the most?
✦ Which needs did this person, or the relationship, meet for me?
✦ How were these needs getting met or being fulfilled specifically? In what ways?
✦ Which of my driving needs were not being met in the relationship?
✦ How did I meet, or not meet, my ex’s most valued needs?
Beliefs About Needs
Everyone also has underlying beliefs about needs — both their own needs, and the needs of others. These beliefs tend to fall into one of the three categories listed below. Devote some time to really honestly determining which of these beliefs you hold.
1. My needs are more important — they must be met even at the expense of yours
2. Your needs are more important than mine — they must be met even at the expense of my own.
3. Our needs are equally important — we must figure out a healthy and loving balance of meeting them.
Now that you’ve gained awareness of your beliefs around needs, you can answer the following questions:
✦ Which of the above attitudes did my ex seem to display in our relationship?
✦ Which did I tend display in the relationship and would I change my approach in the future?
✦ Where do I think my beliefs about how needs should be met in a relationship, come from?
To Miss Them, Or Not To Miss: That Is The Question
When we leave a relationship, there are going to be things we’re leaving behind. When we know very clearly what those things are, it can help us move past it. So consider the following...
What I Might Miss The Most
✦ Things I might miss the most about my ex would be...
✦ Things I might miss the most about how I was — or how my life was — when I was with that person are...
✦ Other things I might miss about the relationship...
Things I’m Glad To Be Leaving Behind Me Now
✦ Things I won’t miss about my ex are...
✦ What I didn’t like about who I became — or how my life was — when I was with my ex was...
✦ Things I won’t miss about the relationship are...
“I will survive, Long as I know how to love, I know I'll
stay alive!”
✦ My ‘must haves’ in a future relationship are...
✦ The ‘nice-to-have’ would be...
✦ The red flags, can’t-stand, and deal-breakers are...
Lessons I’ve Learned About Myself
Using My Ex And The Relationship Like A Mirror
✦ How have I shown up (or not shown up) in relationships?
✦ About my communication tendencies? (e.g., communicating needs, setting or respecting boundaries, showing or responding to anger, etc.)
✦ Reflecting on it all - what have I learned about myself? How I’m Handling the Break-Up - My Feelings About The Relationship
✦ What things would I do differently if I had the chance?
✦ What things am I proud of? What can I honestly give myself credit for doing or not doing?
If I Were To Be Completely Honest And Open With Myself, I Can Tell I’m Feeling...
✦ Right now, the thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing are...
✦ Feelings I may be holding back that I just need to let out are...
✦ What I’m having a hard time letting go of (about the relationship or the person) right now is...
✦ My vent letter (that I won’t ever send) would say...(Let out any anger, sadness, affection, etc. whatever could help bring a sense of validation or closure to any of unresolved feelings)
Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things
✦ The things I didn’t have time for while I was in the relationship that I want to make time for now are...
✦ The things in my life that I am still grateful for right now are...
Self-Love SOS
✦ Some activities that make me feel better when I’m in a funk are...
✦ Some healthy and helpful ways I will commit to taking care of myself during this grieving process are...
✦The friends and family who I can talk to when I’m feeling extra sad or alone are...
There’s A Reason For Everything
✦ Some red flags that told me it might not be a good relationship for me, or some signs that it wasn’t the relationship I once thought it was, are...
✦ Some reasons why this break-up is actually for the best are...
✦ I’m going to be okay, and eventually better than before, because...
If you need extra help to stop obsessing over an ex, check out my From Obsessing to "Over It"! blogpost or schedule an appointment with me see how my services can help.
Let me know what you think of this post. Make a comment or contact me if you have any questions you'd like me to answer. If you found this information to be helpful, go ahead and share it on social media or with a friend who could use it.
