All humans are consistently seeking to meet their basic driving needs as well as the needs of their personality that drive them the most. However, each of us tend to value two of our driving needs more than the rest.
Someone who’s top value is Certainty / Security will lead a completely different life than someone who’s top value is Uncertainty / Variety. Just how someone who values Significance above all else will interact with others very differently, especially in romantic and professional relationships, than someone who's number one need is for true Love / Connection.
When you understand which needs you value most, you’ll better understand your behaviors, decisions, and emotional patterns. There is always a way to fulfill a need; the skill lies in finding a way to meet your needs sustainably and in ways that give you more pleasure than pain.
Typically, if your mind perceives that something is meeting at least two of your needs above a five on a scale of 1-10, or if it meets at least three of your human needs, it can easily become an addiction. Having problems / challenges / stress, for instance, is perhaps the most common addiction a human can have. Problems and challenges can meet all eight human needs to a high degree (even contribution). So can violence if you think about it. How significant does a person become if they commit a mass shooting or become a dictator? This becomes especially obvious when acts of violence galvanize others around a “cause”.
It is helpful to periodically take time and evaluate how you are meeting your driving needs. This exercise will have you focus on how you are meeting your eight driving needs. You will see the patterns of overlap as well as which patterns are healthy and sustainable vs. unhealthy and harmful. You will have an opportunity to change these patterns and bring your life into balance after answering the following questions.
1. What are the ways you meet your need for Certainty/Security? (a.k.a Comfort, Stability, Predictability, Familiarity)
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you workout, clean or reach out to a loved one when stressed, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. you smoke, eat junk food, procrastinate, have a co-dependent relationship, etc.)
2. What are the ways you get Uncertainty/Variety?
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you do something spontaneous or new regularly, seek diversity to explore cultures, etc.) b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. you shop or travel too much, can’t keep to a schedule, or obsess over a problem rather than make a decision on how to deal with the challenge and commit to action etc.)
3. What are the ways you get Significance?
a. List at least five ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you use your skills to lead or inspire others, are a mentor, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. you spend too much money on designer brands, act in controlling ways at work or home, have an insatiable need to feel famous, etc.)
4. What are the ways you get Connection / Love?
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you keep in touch with friends and family, enjoy a book club, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. pho friendships on social media, falling prey to addictive, abusive or codependent relationships, etc.)
5. What are the ways you get Well Being?
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you go for walks, meditate, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. numb out by drinking or binge watching shows, etc.)
6. What are the ways you get Meaning?
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you have faith in a higher power, work towards leaving a legacy, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. rely on dogmatic religious people/teachings to tell you if you’re loved or moral, dependant on others for affirmation, becoming a workaholic, needing perfect grades, etc.)
7. What are the ways you get Growth?
a. List at least three ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. you read, take classes, work towards achieving goals, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. numb out by drinking or binge watching shows, etc.)
8. What are the ways you Contribute?
a. List at least five ways you meet this need in a positive way. (i.e. donate 10% of your income, are an activist, adopt rescues, etc.)
b. List at least three ways you do so negatively. (i.e. give too much of your time or income than is healthy and sustainable in order to feel needed and moral, etc.)
9. Of the Nine Driving Human Needs, which have you been valuing the most considering your actual behaviors and decisions?
10. What are the consequences as well as any benefits you’ve been getting from valuing your needs in that order?
11. What two needs would positively transform your life if you valued them above all others? How would it change your life?
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